Sewer Interviews

Today I was out in the field again, collecting data for the Australian Bureau of Random Statistics. My mission for the day was to ask as many people as possible about drain repair and their thoughts on the sewers of Melbourne. The results are quite fascinating.

First, I spoke with Garthablog the Twenty-Seventh, who I found at a hyperbaric chamber clinic. I asked him why he thought there were so many blocked drains in the Melbourne area.

“Well, the truth is that I am responsible for most of them. Yes, I know, I am only supposed to torture humans who have failed the test of life and proven themselves to be wicked, but sometimes you just can’t help inflicting pain upon the living. It can get a bit boring down there.”

Insightful. After my brief interview with Garthablog, I got in contact with the leader of Fort Citizen, a country that has claimed independence from Australia, despite residing within Australia. Its leader chose to remain unnamed. I asked if they’ve had any issues with plumbing.

“We have had quite a few, actually. We haven’t had any licensed plumbers join our growing community yet. We’ve asked the sewer repair businesses from Melbourne to help, but they’ve refused. I suspect it’s because the Australian government told them to ignore our requests. They’re making it very hard to survive, in the hopes that we’ll rejoin the nation out of desperation.”

Wow, I didn’t realise the independence of Fort Citizen was so serious. Anyway, later in the day, I was able to get a comment from Premier Norris, about whether more funding would be put into the Department of Health to get our sewer systems fixed.

“We’ve been trying to make space in the budget for that because we recognise that it is a big problem. But do you realise how expensive Grottos and Goblins miniatures are? And then there’s the dice sets, too. We’ve got to make cuts somewhere.”


There you have it folks. If that doesn’t give you confidence in our government, I don’t know what will. Now, time to report these interviews back to the ABRS.